How To Do It #1: Obliterating Carcasses

Just in case you need the info, here’s how to Obliterate a Carcass with explosives. Distribute them so:

These are the main points:

Place 1 pound (.45 kilograms) of explosives in two locations on each leg.
Use detonator cord to tie the explosives charges together.
Use water bags to hold the explosives close to the carcass if it is impractical to place charges under the carcass, for example when the carcass is laying in water.
Horseshoes should be removed to minimize dangerous flying debris.

That’s for partial dispersion if urgency is not a factor: 

Perhaps a few days are expected before the public is to visit the area, or perhaps bears will not be attracted to the carcass.

 But you might need total obliteration:

In situations where total animal obliteration is necessary, it is advisable to double the amount of explosives used… Use 20 pounds (9 kilograms) on top of and 20 pounds (9 kilograms) underneath the carcass, depending on the type of explosives used. Total obliteration might be preferred in situations where the public is expected in the area the next day, or where bears are particularly prolific.

All this info is from a handy guide to obliterating animal carcasses with explosives published by the U.S. Forest Service, which I recommend for your light reading.

Is this info useful? Of course it is! Here in Canada we never know when we might open the door, looking for the morning paper, and discover a moose carcass. (BTW, a moose will require more explosives than a horse carcass which is estimated at 1100 pounds (or 499 kilos for you communists.) Moose may go a metric tonne!)

Forest worker unreeling fireline explosive from the Forest Service bulletin: http://www.fs.fed.us/eng/pubs/pdfpubs/pdf91512330.pdf

At any rate please, if it’s a horse carcass, do remember to remove shoes before obliterating — just to eliminate shrapnel — probably with a moose you don’t need to worry.

Now I know you’re thinking, “How about that whale carcass they blew up? Wasn’t that awful?” (If you aren’t thinking that here’s a link to video of the “blast blasting blubber beyond all believable bounds”). It was awful. But here’s the thing: these scientific diagrams are from the United States Forest Service and they show a carcass being obliterated via fireline explosives. Fireline explosives are used to clear a line ahead of advancing forest fires. They are usually packaged in coils so that they can be rolled out along a fireline or, as in the picture here, to break apart a tree that’s too dangerous to remove with a chainsaw. That whale was detonated with twenty-five cases of dynamite! See, that’s just too much. I am told that whale carcasses are often successfully obliterated in this manner but I cannot say for sure, not having tested this in my own front yard.

If you have a whale in your front yard when you get the morning paper and want to know more, ask somebody with a blasting ticket. If you are a very sick person go here to see a (live) mule’s head blown off with dynamite.

[Note: If any bands decide to name themselves Total Obliteration, Partial Obliteration, Obliterated Animal Carcass, or any other term derived from the above, either I or the U.S. Forest Service will sue you. Unless you give us free CDs, T-shirts, tickets to your gigs, and so on. Except I do not speak for the U.S. Forest Service, just me.]

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One comment on “How To Do It #1: Obliterating Carcasses

  1. nursemyra says:

    Good luck with suing the scary goth heavy metal band that practices down the road from me. If they aren’t already named Total Obliteration, they ought to be.

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